It’s critical for companies to hire and develop more effective managers and leaders capable of moving their organization forward during both good and challenging times. That requires looking beyond traditional strategies for management development and cultivating the skills most important for success.

One of those skills, perhaps unexpectedly, is empathy — a vital leadership competency.

Empathetic leadership means having the ability to understand the needs of others, and being aware of their feelings and thoughts. Unfortunately, empathy in the workplace has long been a soft skill that’s overlooked as a performance indicator. Our research, however, has shown that today’s successful leaders must be more “person-focused” and able to work well with people from varying teams, departments, countries, cultures, and backgrounds.

To determine if empathy influences a manager’s job performance, our research team analyzed data from 6,731 mid- to upper-middle-level managers in 38 countries. The leaders in our study were rated by their peers, direct reports, and superiors on their level of empathy through a Benchmarks® 360-degree feedback assessment.

As noted in our white paper, we found that empathetic leadership is positively related to job performance, particularly among mid-level managers and above.

In other words, our research found that managers who practiced empathetic leadership toward direct reports were viewed as better performers by their bosses. The findings were consistent across the sample: those managers who were rated as empathetic by subordinates were also rated as high performing by their own boss.

The ability to be compassionate and connect with others is critical to our lives, both personally and professionally. Demonstrating empathy in the workplace — a key part of emotional intelligence and leadership effectiveness — also improves human interactions in general and can lead to more effective communication and positive outcomes, in both work and home settings.

Defining Empathy in the Workplace

Empathy is the ability to perceive and relate to the thoughts, emotions, or experiences of others. Those with high levels of empathy are skilled at understanding a situation from another person’s perspective and lead with compassion.

Empathetic leadership in the context of the workplace simply means that people leaders are able to establish true connections with one another that enhance relationships and performance.

It’s important to remember the difference between sympathy and empathy, as the 2 are often confused.

• Sympathy is typically defined by feelings of pity for another person, without really understanding what it’s like to be in their situation.
• Empathy, on the other hand, refers to the capacity or ability to imagine oneself in the situation of another, experiencing the emotions, ideas, or opinions of that person.

Both in and out of the workplace, empathy is often more productive and supportive than sympathy.

How to Show More Empathetic Leadership

4 Ways to Increase Your Empathy in the Workplace

Displaying empathetic leadership can take many shapes and forms. We recommend leaders take the following 4 steps to show greater empathy in the workplace and with their colleagues and direct reports.

1. Watch for signs of burnout in others.

Work burnout is a real problem today, and it comes at greater risk during times of intense stress and pressure. Many people are stressed, putting in more work hours than ever before and finding it difficult to separate work and home life.

Managers who are skilled at empathetic leadership are able to recognize signs of overwork in others before burnout becomes an issue that results in disengagement or turnover. This might mean taking a few extra minutes each week to check in with team members and gauge how they’re handling their current workload and helping them to recover from overwork.

2. Show sincere interest in the needs, hopes, and dreams of other people.

Part of leading with empathy involves working to understand the unique needs and goals of each team member and how to best match work assignments to contribute to both performance and employee satisfaction. Team members who see that their manager recognizes them in this way are more engaged and willing to go the extra mile. Showing kindness in the workplace can boost performance and culture.

3. Demonstrate a willingness to help an employee with personal problems.

Lines between work and personal life are becoming increasingly blurred. Empathetic leaders understand that their team members are dynamic individuals who are shouldering personal problems while having to maintain their professional responsibilities. They recognize that it’s part of their role to lead and support those team members when they need it most.

Keeping open lines of communication and encouraging transparency is a good way to foster psychological safety and help team members feel comfortable sharing.

4. Show compassion when other people disclose a personal loss.

Real connections and friendships at work matter, and empathetic leadership is a tool that managers can use to establish bonds with those they’re privileged to lead. We’ve all been through personal loss, so even if we can’t relate to the specific loss our team member experiences, we can act empathetically and let them know they’re supported. This is key for compassionate leadership.

How Organizations Can Encourage Empathetic Leadership

Some leaders naturally show more empathy at work than others and will have an advantage over their peers who have difficulty expressing empathy. Most leaders fall in the middle and are sometimes or somewhat empathetic.

Fortunately, it’s not a fixed trait. Empathetic leadership can be learned. If given enough time and support, leaders can develop and enhance their empathy skills through coaching, training, or developmental opportunities and initiatives.

Organizations and HR leaders can encourage a more empathetic workplace and help managers improve their empathy skills in a number of simple ways.

5 Ways to Encourage Empathy in the Workplace

1. Talk about empathy at work to signal its value.

Let leaders know that empathy matters. Many managers consider task-oriented skills such as monitoring and planning to be more important in controlling the performance of their team members. But research shows that understanding, caring, and developing others is just as important, if not more important, particularly in today’s workforce.

Your organization should put an emphasis on leadership soft skills needed at every leader level, and explain that giving time and attention to others fosters empathy, which in turn enhances team performance and improves perceived managerial effectiveness.

2. Teach listening skills.

To understand others and sense what they’re feeling, managers must be good listeners, skilled in active listening techniques, who let others know that they’re being heard and express understanding of concerns and problems.

When a manager is a good listener, people feel respected, and critical trust on the team can grow. To show the highest levels of empathy in the workplace, managers should focus on listening to hear the meaning behind what others are saying by paying attention to not only the words being said, but also the feelings and values being shown, through nonverbal cues such as tone, pace of speech, facial expressions, and gestures.

3. Encourage genuine perspective-taking.

Leaders should consistently put themselves in the other person’s place. For managers, this includes taking into account the personal lived experiences or perspectives of their employees. It also can be applied to solving problems, managing conflicts, or driving innovation. It’s very helpful for individuals to understand the role social identity plays as well.

4. Cultivate compassion.

Support managers who care about how others feel, and consider the effects that business decisions have on employees, customers, and communities. Go beyond the standard-issue values statement and allow time for compassionate reflection and response. Remember, your employees care about social responsibility; your organization should too.

5. Support global managers.

The ability of your middle managers to be empathetic leaders who can collaborate across boundaries is especially important for those working in global or cross-cultural organizations. Leading a multicultural team requires cultural intelligence and the ability to understand people who have very different perspectives and experiences.

A Closing Thought on Empathy in the Workplace

And as the data we shared above shows, when managers hone their empathetic leadership skills, they improve their effectiveness and increase their chances of success in the job. Empathetic leaders are assets to organizations, in part because they are able to effectively build and maintain relationships and retain talent — a critical part of leading organizations anywhere in the world.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

Model empathetic leadership and help your people develop greater empathy in the workplace with a customized learning journey for your leaders using our research-backed modules. Available leadership topics include Boundary Spanning Leadership, Communication, Emotional Intelligence Training for Leaders, Listening to Understand, Psychological Safety & Trust, and more.

The post The Importance of Empathy in the Workplace appeared first on CCL.

It all starts with conversations.

What Are Coaching Conversations, and Why Are They Important?

A coaching conversation can be defined as a conversation in which someone uses coaching skills to hold a dialogue with someone else that helps them to learn, grow, and develop. This exchange can happen in a formal or informal setting, and can range from a one-time conversation to an ongoing series of discussions.

Coaching conversations are important because when done well, they can be transformational — both at an individual and organizational level. In terms of interpersonal impact, a coaching conversation between 2 people can:

• Facilitate learning, growth, and development by encouraging individuals to reflect, explore, and discover solutions
• Strengthen relationships by providing support and guidance while fostering trust, openness, and mutual respect
• Help identify and overcome barriers to performance, leading to improved outcomes
• Foster creative thinking and problem-solving, leading to innovative solutions
• Encourage accountability and promote a sense of ownership and responsibility

And when enough people are having them, coaching conversations can begin to impact entire organizations. As a critical mass is reached, with people at all levels holding candid conversations and coaching one another, something powerful begins to happen: it instills a coaching culture. Team relationships strengthen, employee engagement increases, and business performance improves, which can increase:

• Employee engagement;
• Job satisfaction and morale;
• Collaboration;
• Teamwork; and
• Bench strength.

When Do Coaching Conversations Happen?

Coaching conversations aren’t just for specialized or trained coaching professionals. In fact, nearly anyone can conduct a coaching conversation. Coaches can help anyone who is ready to identify problems and find solutions. And developing people — coaching others — is an important part of leadership. So, managers can coach people by holding coaching conversations with colleagues or direct reports in the course of everyday work.

In fact, some of the most powerful coaching conversation experiences can happen in informal exchanges — in hallways, cafeterias, workspaces, virtual chats, and video calls. As coaching interactions occur across the entire organization, whether in-person or virtually, communication becomes more clear, honest, and effective, and together, all these better conversations start to create a better culture at the organization.

Ready to get started with coaching conversations right now? Learn how to communicate better, connect more deeply, listen more effectively, build trust, and feel more satisfied — both inside and outside of work — with our Better Conversations Every Day guidebook.

Best Practices for Coaching Conversations

If you’re ready to try to hold a coaching conversation with someone, here are some things to know.

First, Recognize Opportunities for a Coaching Conversation

First, identify when there’s an opportunity for a coaching conversation. Not all conversations lend themselves well to coaching. Make sure you know whether it’s the right time. To recognize when someone is open to having a coaching conversation, pay attention to their cues. Listen for phrases like:

• “Can you help me think things through?”
• “I’d like to bounce some ideas off of you.”
• “Could you give me a reality check?”
• “I need some help.”

In these moments, you can turn a typical conversation into an opportunity for a coaching conversation.

Remember These 3 Keys

At that point, remember these 3 guidelines to hold a coaching conversation:

1. Listen carefully.
2. Respond thoughtfully.
3. Resist imposing your own solution.

1. Listen carefully.

Don’t assume what the conversation is about or what path it should take. Truly listen, allowing space for others to think, reflect, and express themselves. Start with your active listening skillset, but know that truly listening goes beyond active listening, to listening to understand. 

Listening to understand focuses on the idea that there are multiple levels of information we must tune into during conversations. One level, of course, is the factual information being presented — most of us tend to pay attention primarily to that. But listening for the values behind the topic at hand and the emotions that people bring to an issue is an important part of a better conversation.

That’s where we often find unstated objections, sensible reservations, and concealed barriers that might torpedo new initiatives. Stronger and more robust solutions to business challenges emerge when people are really listening to understand one another.

2. Respond thoughtfully.

Coaching isn’t about the quick fix or first solution. It’s about uncovering answers through inquiry, openness, and exploration. Start by asking powerful questions that draw out more information or stretch the other person’s thinking, such as:

• What else could you do?
• What else occurs to you?
• Who else have you talked to about this?
• Who else is affected in this situation?

Beyond creating mutual understanding about facts, when leaders ask good questions, it can help to uncover insights that wouldn’t have come to light otherwise.

A non-directive prompting question like “How do you want your team to feel when you announce the new initiative?” is likely to spark more reflection and lead to greater insights than asking “When are you announcing the new initiative?” While the latter question might be helpful in getting the person inquiring up to speed, it isn’t particularly powerful and isn’t likely to add any real value for the person answering, as they simply repeat a straightforward fact they already know.

Be sure you set a comfortable tone, maintain eye contact, and give plenty of time for them to think and respond to your questions. Encourage them to express themselves — without you agreeing or disagreeing.

3. Resist imposing your own solution.

Shift away from the common and natural tendency to want to problem-solve or give advice. There are times to direct or give answers, but coaching conversations are about the other person’s learning — not about your opinion or expertise.

Informed by neuroscience, the real art of conversation is balancing an appropriate mix of challenge and support. Providing support includes assuring people that they’ve been heard and, especially, that their feelings and values are understood. It provides an important sense of creating psychological safety at work, building trust, and encouraging greater honesty and transparency.

When that ratio is right — and practiced in an authentic rather than formulaic way — the challenge is received and actually fosters more constructive dialogue, rather than triggering defensiveness.

When you’re able to listen carefully, respond thoughtfully, and resist imposing your own solution, you have the basis of a coaching conversation.

So whether that conversation was a planned coaching session or an impromptu moment, you’ve opened the door to new thinking, new action, and valuable learning.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

Individual participants in our coaching skills program for leaders learn how to hold a coaching conversation. Or, your organization can partner with us for enterprise-wide conversational skills training with our Better Conversations Every Day suite and scale a culture of coaching conversations across your entire organization.

The post How to Have a Coaching Conversation appeared first on CCL.

What can be done? In order to deal effectively with awkward, tense, or challenging conversations, we first need to understand the common mistakes we make — and then take steps to tackle the difficult conversation.

Handling Difficult Conversations

According to Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, we often make 3 major errors in our conversations:

• We assume we already know all we need to know to understand and explain a situation.
• We hide our feelings — or let them loose in ways we later regret.
• We ignore who we are, acting as if our identity is separate from the issues.

Avoiding these mistakes isn’t easy. The key is to shift your thinking from I need to explain myself (or deliver a message) to I need to listen and learn more about what’s going on. Our research shows that the listening is really the critical part.

5 Steps for Leaders

Here’s how to tackle a difficult conversation:

1. Prepare for a difficult conversation by walking through the “3 conversations” ahead of time.

Every difficult conversation is really comprised of 3 conversations in one:

• The what happened conversation
• The feelings conversation
• The identity conversation

So first, understand what the people involved are thinking and feeling, but not saying to each other. In a difficult conversation, this is usually where the real action is. Before stepping into an especially challenging conversation or trying to calm a workplace conflict, ask yourself these questions:

• Sort out what happened. How do you see the situation? Where does your story come from (information, past experiences, rules)? What do you think you know about the other person’s viewpoint? What impact has this situation had on you? What might their intentions have been? What have you each contributed to the problem?
• Understand your feelings. Explore your feelings and ask yourself, What bundle of emotions am I experiencing?
• Ground your identity. How does this situation threaten you or have the potential to shake up your sense of identity? How do you see yourself (I’m the boss; I like competition; I’m loyal; I’m good at developing my people)? What do you need to accept in order to be better grounded?

2. Check your purposes and decide whether to raise the issue.

Make sure you really need to raise the issue at all. Will that help you achieve your purposes? To determine that, ask yourself:

• What do I hope to accomplish by having this conversation?
• Do I want to prove a point or change the other person?
• How can I shift my stance to support learning, sharing, and problem-solving?
• Can I affect the problem by changing my own contributions?
• If I don’t raise it, can I let go of it?

3. Start from the “third story.”

If you do decide to raise a difficult issue, don’t lead in with your view or story. Approach it as if a third, neutral person is looking on and leading the conversation. Describe the problem as the difference between your stories. Include both viewpoints as a legitimate part of the discussion. Share your purposes and let the other person know you’re looking to sort out the situation together.

4. Explore their story and yours.

Actively listen to understand the other person’s perspective on what happened. Ask questions. Acknowledge the feelings behind the arguments and accusations. Paraphrase to see if you’ve got it. Try to unravel how the 2 of you got to this place.

Share your own viewpoint, your past experiences, intentions, and feelings. And constantly reframe assumptions: from truth to perceptions, blame to contribution, and accusations to feelings.

5. Problem-solve.

Invent options that meet each side’s most important concerns and interests. Keep in mind that relationships that always go one way rarely last. Talk about how to keep communication open as you go forward.

Reduce the Need for a Difficult Conversation: Prevent Conflict in the First Place

Difficult conversations often have to happen because better conversations didn’t.

People need to experience a 4:1 ratio of positive/encouraging interactions to challenging interactions in order to avoid feeling threatened or overly criticized. Increasing the amount of positive feedback and empowering conversations will strengthen engagement, promote psychological safety at work, and help avoid triggering a threat response.

Everyone in your organization can have more productive conversations when they genuinely listen in order to understand, ask the right questions, give feedback that challenges and supports, and establish accountability and next steps. This is a key part of building a better organizational culture through better conversations.

Learn how to communicate better, connect more deeply, build trust, and be more satisfied — inside and outside of work — with our book, Better Conversations Every Day.

With the right training and practice, leaders at any level can improve the quality of their conversations and feedback, creating a ripple effect throughout the workplace.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

Learn how building coaching skills across your organization can enable you and your team to hold difficult conversations with one another more effectively.

The post 5 Steps for Tackling Difficult Conversations appeared first on CCL.

And if you aren’t currently measured on your “ability to develop and coach others” — that’s likely to change soon.

Coaching provided by outside experts continues to be important and valuable, but increasingly, organizations are looking at skill-building for coaching people as a vital tool for developing talent and meeting performance goals. And managers play the key role.

The problem is that leaders are being held accountable for developing others, but few are taught best practices for coaching others. So they end up giving reviews and giving advice, but they don’t really understand how to have a coaching conversation with their people.

That’s why we’ve been partnering with client organizations to help them develop leader-coaches who understand how to be an effective coach, outlining specific actions for coaching people well.

How to Coach People Using LACE

4 Core Skills for Coaching Others Effectively

At CCL, our coaching methodology is based on research and our over 50 years of experience coaching others in organizations around the world. We believe that whether you’re a professional leadership coach, or a leader with coaching responsibilities, you need to build both your skill at coaching others and the relationship itself.

Unlike some coaching models that can be convoluted and theoretical, the 4 core skills we teach for coaching people effectively ensure that in the moment, you’re not trying to remember a concept or a theory, but have pragmatic guidance to follow. Just remember LACE, our acronym for the 4 core skills for holding conversations that coach others:

• Listen to Understand
• Ask Powerful Questions
• Challenge and Support
• Establish Next Steps and Accountability

1. Listen to Understand.

Listening starts with paying close attention, repeating back concepts to build understanding, and summarizing what you hear. But listening to understand goes beyond these active listening techniques for coaching others.

Listening to truly understand someone starts with recognizing that multiple levels of information are conveyed in a conversation: facts, emotions, and values. Naturally, when listening, you pay attention to the facts being discussed. But listening to understand also means paying attention to other levels. Listen too for the values behind the matter at hand, as well as the emotions that people feel. Notice not only their words, but also the tone of voice, body language, beliefs, and what seems to be most important for the other person. Coaching others well requires that you listen for all 3 levels, and you will really be listening to understand the other person’s perspective.

2. Ask Powerful Questions.

This is really the ability to ask courageous questions, moving the conversation forward, and provoking new insights, rather than just providing them for the other person. Making non-directive inquiries that draw out more information and stretch the other person’s thinking is a learned skill that must be practiced. Examples of powerful questions include:

• What else could you do?
• Who else have you talked to about this?
• Who else is affected in this situation?
• How do you want the rest of the team to feel about this?

Beyond creating mutual understanding about facts, asking powerful questions like these when coaching others can help uncover insights and unspoken reservations that wouldn’t have come to light otherwise.

3. Challenge and Support.

We all need our thinking challenged at times. Challenge can stress-test ideas, yield productive dialogue, and uncover unexamined assumptions. It can lead to stronger, shared understanding.

Ultimately, coaching people is about getting them to try something different from what they have done before, or creating a significant shift in perspective. It’s about uncovering answers through inquiry, openness, and exploration, and there usually aren’t quick fixes.

But challenging someone is only effective when combined with the right amount of support. You must show that you’ve truly listened to the other person and understand their feelings and values. A challenge should be offered within an environment of safety. Taken too far — or offered at the wrong moment and without sufficient support — challenge can cause damage.

When done well, challenge builds trust and encourages honesty and transparency, rather than triggering defensiveness.

4. Establish Next Steps and Accountability.

Having an effective conversation is only one aspect of successful coaching. The real work happens later when insights are applied and new behaviors are tried. The skill of creating accountability lies in creating clear, specific, and meaningful actions.

Connect conversations to action by establishing next steps (“So, I’ll send you an email by Friday, letting you know how it went”). This ensures that the value, insights, and decisions created by a coaching conversation aren’t lost.

The goal of a conversation is always that those involved walk away with a shared understanding of what they discussed, and conversations like these increase the chance of successful follow-through that creates growth and fosters courageous actions that lead to meaningful change.

To Coach People, Focus on the Relationship

Leader-coaches can aim for transformation, even in 10-minute hallway conversations.

But creating the right relationship is critical. This ensures you have a safe, trusting, and productive space for conversations where you coach others.

At CCL, we believe effective leaders “bring their whole selves to leadership.” To be a leader-coach, focus on boosting your self-awareness, showing vulnerability and empathy, and creating an environment of psychological safety. In addition, set a foundation of high ethical standards and ground rules of agreement.

Once you have the tools and some practice with the 4 core conversation skills under your belt, you’ll find that coaching people through conversations are an effective way to develop and motivate your direct reports. And you will benefit, too; as you improve your skill at coaching others, you’re developing leadership capabilities that have benefits in other work relationships as well. A manager’s ability to build relationships, elicit information, challenge assumptions, support others, and clarify goals goes a long way in helping you to succeed as a leader.

Learn how to communicate better, connect more deeply, build trust, and be more satisfied — inside and outside of work — with our book, Better Conversations Every Day.

Create a Culture of Coaching Others By Scaling Conversational Skills

Coaching people can have both an individual and organizational impact. Helping individual leaders build the conversational skills they need to coach others effectively is the first step toward implementing a coaching culture across your entire company.

Our philosophy is that everyone in an organization benefits when people are using coaching skills every day. Enabling the 4 core skills of LACE creates better conversations that create a common language, a better foundation, and a stronger platform on which to build other enterprise-wide initiatives.

Once these 4 core skills for coaching others permeate everyday conversations, they enable leaders to build stronger relationships and enhance a culture of psychological safety, increase engagement, and foster development.

Organizations that want to truly scale a coaching culture will also want to:

• Offer everyone access to developing skills at coaching others, no matter where they sit in the org chart.
• “Seed” the organization with role models who coach people well.
• Link coaching outcomes to business goals.
• Coach senior leadership teams.
• Recognize and reward coaching behaviors.
• Integrate coaching others with other people-management processes.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

Individual participants in our coaching skills program for leaders learn how to coach others more effectively. Or, your organization can partner with us for enterprise-wide conversational skills training with our Better Conversations Every Day suite and scale a culture of coaching others across your entire organization.

The post How to Coach People appeared first on CCL.

• PODCAST

Lead With That: Navigating Tough Conversations

In this episode of Lead With That, Ren and Allison discuss how leaders can learn to navigate tough conversations with their teams. Amid fast-paced news cycles and constant notifications at our fingertips, handling our own thoughts and feelings about current events can feel difficult, let alone understanding those of the people around us. Yet, one of the most important responsibilities of leadership is creating a safe space for tough conversations.

Whether you’re managing conflict or providing feedback, it’s crucial for leaders to foster an environment where honest and open conversations can take place, despite how uncomfortable they may be. Ren and Allison explore what leaders can learn about the importance of handling tough conversations head-on, and lead with that.

Listen to the Podcast

In this episode, Ren and Allison explore the tensions that leaders must navigate when it comes to handling tough conversations with their teams. From providing feedback to managing conflict, effectively handling difficult conversations is one of the most important aspects of good leadership. Ren and Allison discuss what we can learn about approaching these moments from a leadership perspective, and lead with that.

Learn More

Interview Transcript

Intro:

And welcome back to CCL’s podcast, Lead With That, where we talk our current events in pop culture to look at where leadership is happening and what’s happening with leadership.

Today, we’re diving into one of the most challenging yet crucial responsibilities a manager and leader holds: creating space for tough conversations. Or rather, conversations that are hard to have.

Managing a team, leading people, isn’t just about setting goals and tracking progress or ensuring projects stay on track, it’s also about fostering an environment where honest and sometimes uncomfortable discussions can take place. Whether it’s addressing performance issues, giving and receiving feedback, or tackling sensitive topics, these conversations often shape the team’s culture, trust, and resilience, and shape the landscape of the organizations we work in.

In this episode, we’ll talk about why creating a safe space for these difficult dialogues is so important; how a manager and leader can build trust to encourage openness; some practical strategies, maybe, to lead with empathy, courage, some clarity. And if you’re a manager or a leader listening out there, or just someone looking to make your team communication better, this might just be for you. So let’s dive in and learn how to lead with some openness and strength.

Ren:

Welcome back, everyone. I’m Ren Washington, and as usual, I’m joined with Allison Barr. Allison, we were talking about this earlier, but what do you think? What is the manager’s role to be like, “Hey, things are happening, how you feeling, everybody? Tell me.” I was like, “Let’s maybe just start there.” Is it your boss’s job to do that for you?

Allison:

That is such a hard question to answer, and I will give the CCL answer, and then I won’t leave us there. But we say a lot in the classroom that it depends, and it really does. It really, really does.

I do think it’s a manager’s responsibility, regardless of what they perceive the elephant in the room to be, to … I’m questioning myself even as I speak, so humor me. I do think it can be a manager’s responsibility, if there is a certain tone of a group, to address that. So I’ll start there. And again, that even becomes a little gray as I say it. What do you think?

Ren:

Yeah, is it a manager’s responsibility? What I think is that these questions are being asked, and that may not mean anything, but I was just having this discussion with a client. And I’m actually trying to find the email because she said something really interesting in response to some of the ideas that I offered for her about how she might help manage some of the space. And we might talk about some of them today, but it was interesting.

One of the things that I said was recognize that events happen, and this particular event happened, and she said, “Yeah, recognizing the event, though, is the hard part.” And so I think I’d say, yeah, it depends. And I guess it comes down to what are the ground rules that we’ve set for our kind of communication, and then do we have any flexibility and space for it?

And so I’ll answer, again, where I started. These questions are being asked, people are experiencing it. I mean, when we talk about stuff like big, major events, especially sometimes when the big, major events … half the United States is happy and the other half is not happy, and maybe that’s not exactly what happened this time around, but I think people are still coming to work, having stayed up late, figuring out whether they were going to be happy or not.

And so, if it’s not my manager’s job, my manager better be prepared that I’m going to have a different experience of work. Regardless of how the outcome went for me, my day is going to look a certain way.

Allison:

Yeah. And you raise a couple of interesting things I want to dig into. And first I’ll say this, that I was also discussing with a client. This was … What’s today’s date? Today’s November 8th that we’re recording. And so this conversation that I’m going to reference with a client was months ago. It might’ve been late spring. And they said to me, “Conversations that used to happen outside of work are now coming to work.”

And so that is a major difference. So if we want to be looking at this as objectively as possible, there are conversations that might be perceived as deeply personal that are now coming into the workplace, whereas I suppose they didn’t always. And so what is a manager’s responsibility?

Ren:

Yeah, before you go on, real quick, it’s different from when? Was there a point when this wasn’t happening? I’m just curious.

Allison:

I mean, I think so. Probably. Think about the first salaried job you ever had. Mine … Or not, even. Or not. Think about the first job you had that was even hourly. It doesn’t matter, right? Where you were going to work. And I think about mine. I mean, I was quite young, and I just showed up and sold books like, “How was your day,” kind of thing.

Even if I fast-forward, I was quite young, so let’s get into more adulthood, where I’m trying not to name certain events because I don’t want to go there just yet. But there were not monumental events that were impacting people’s livelihood, I think, in the way that they are now. I think it’s just different. So to put a marker on it, it’s a little hard. But I think a lot of folks are being impacted by life events, global events that are occurring, in a different way. I sound like I’m 95, but in a different way than they used to.

Ren:

Well, this is weird, I don’t know why this popped up, like the Iran–Contra affair, or things that happened like that, or these hostage events where Jimmy Carter’s got to talk down these bad guys … I think that was impacting people when that was happening. And maybe things are impacting us more and more because of the internet, or social, or the computers we have in our hands all the time.

But I don’t know if we have to debate that. I wonder, when I hear it’s different now, and I often ponder, is it different? Or … And I wonder if this is a truth, and maybe around our tough conversations, or are we less skilled than ever in having these conversations in a way where we can work next to someone that we disagree with? Because we live next to people that we disagree with all the time. Sometimes the secret is we don’t talk about our disagreements.

Now, I know that doesn’t work for all of the unjust things that happen in our cultures, in our societies. It’s not a blanket statement for everything. But I think as we start to talk about tough conversations, maybe we build better muscles to engage each other, but —

Allison:

Sure. Yeah.

Ren:

Anyway, please continue the story, or wrap it up. It sounds like people are bringing this stuff into work more than they ever have.

Allison:

And to talk about something you just said, I don’t even think it’s limited to things we disagree upon. I think we can openly talk about the hurricane that recently hit and impacted parts of North Carolina that were unexpected. You and I don’t have to … That’s not up for debate, that’s actually happened.

So I think there are a lot more events that are happening, back-to-back-to-back. And I think you’re probably right. Maybe we are less skilled at having the … I think it’s complicated. We’re probably less skilled. Maybe we were never skilled at it. I have no idea. But I do think it’s not limited to what you said. It’s inclusive of that, but not limited to it.

And I also think another point you made, which is we’re inundated. I could log on to social media, or not even. I get alerts on my phone that I’m like, “Why did I … I didn’t sign up for that.” Right? It’s never good, and they’re never good. I don’t even know how to turn them off. So I think we’re just inundated now with harder things than perhaps we used to be.

Ren:

So it’s like the presence of the ever-present bad news, then that coupled with the nature of our humanity, this “I really want what I want and I want it now.” “I don’t want to be bothered.” We are creatures of convenience. I think that’s a living thing. We take paths of least resistance. Any living organism does that.

And I think it’s interesting that we start to ingrain these things and then maybe start to habitualize this. And then what we get inundated with also, then, tend to be like what is in our echo chamber. And maybe as we build skills to navigate that, that might be an interesting piece of ground to go through. But when I said echo chamber, you were ebbing and flowing or nodding your head back and forth.

Do you agree, disagree? Does that make you think something? What was going on for you there?

Allison:

I’m not sure yet. And I’m not trying to evade your question. I’m really not. I actually want to come back to something you said a few minutes ago.

Ren:

Sure.

Allison:

Which was around ground rules. So can you just say a little bit more about that?

Ren:

Yeah.

Allison:

And what they are, why it’s helpful, how a leader might do it.

Ren:

Yeah. I mean, I guess we started with this idea of, hey, is it a manager’s job to be like, “All right, we’re in a team meeting. It’s the day after a huge event in the United States. As an American, we even give you time to vote.” I said that word, everybody. Oh, no. And then we’re sitting in a room and things happen. Some of us are happy, some of us not, some of us don’t care. And the manager’s looking around and he’s like, “I don’t know, should I talk about this?”

And I guess that question there is, do we have ground rules as an organization that when things like this happen, do we pretend like it didn’t happen? Do we look at the office door and say, “Okay, I’m going to leave this part of my humanity at the front door, and then when I get in here it’s all going to be spreadsheets and numbers.”

So I guess some of the ground rules might be like, as an organization, have you ever had a conversation around when tough things happen? Like you said, too, what happens if half of your organization loses their home to the hurricane or something like that, some kind of horrific or terrible event happens. Do we pretend like it doesn’t for people? So whatever the event is, if something big happens, do we have the ground rule that’s set to say, “Hey, either we will give you space to talk about it, or we’ll talk about how we’ll talk about it, or we’ll take everything piece by piece.” So are there some kind of basic standard operating procedures about when something big in the world happens, are we the kind of organization that lets people talk about it? Or are we the kind of organization that says, “Nope, we don’t care. Talk off the clock.”

Does that make sense?

Allison:

Yeah, it makes sense. And I asked you to elaborate because that language, I think, might be new to some of our listeners. Of course, it’s not new to you and I, we probably do it in the classroom every single time. And I, as we’re talking, want to make sure and as we will, I know, but we’re giving some really practical tools. And I would say that is one of them, not to harp on it too long, but that is one of them: that you don’t need to set norms and ground rules after an event, but you can. You can do it anytime. You can do it anytime.

How do we want to behave as a team? And you can start there. And if you are the manager, you might have to get people going. You might have to start that list off so they even know what you mean. But one thing that we say at CCL a lot is … Well, 2 things I’ll mention. One is assume positive intent. And the other is take space, make space. So I think those are 2 practical things that you could add to your list to initiate. If you are going to have, if you do think you are the kind of leader and you are the kind of organization that will welcome these difficult conversations that Ren is talking about or that we are talking about, that’s a really great place to start to have effective conversations.

Ren:

Well, and I think something that you said there, a tool that people might want to learn more about, is one of my favorite learning agreements, I often call it when we’re working with groups or leaders is the take space, make space.

And so, in service of informing people of some of our lexicon, what would it look like for someone to take space and then make space in the confines of what we’re talking about today?

Allison:

Yeah.

Ren:

So what does it mean, first of all, and then how would one do it in these circumstances?

Allison:

Just clarifying, how would one follow that normal take space, make space?

Ren:

Yeah.

Allison:

Okay, got it.

Ren:

Yeah. What is it? And then how would one follow the norm?

Allison:

I think at a very basic level … well, first it means understanding yourself.

I can only give myself as a good example. I’m an extrovert and I verbally process, and on calls, I’m not shy to speak up. I will speak up. I prefer to process verbally with people. I also am aware of how much I contribute, and how much that might not leave space for somebody else to. So I’m aware of that. I’m aware of how that looks in certain circles. On certain teams it might look a little bit different, but it’s that awareness first.

So for me, I know, I just know myself. I will pause. I will pause before I’m the first one to jump in and chime in. And I think on the opposite side … actually, I’ll be curious, Ren, where do you land on that? Are you someone who would normally chime in?

Ren:

Yeah, I think, as maybe what you’re exemplifying there might be an example of you making some space for someone.

Allison:

Yes. Thank you for clarifying that, yes. That would be an example of making space. Yes.

Ren:

Me too. Even though I’d probably fashion myself less of an extrovert, I am not afraid to have my ideas be heard. And so I’m more the person who’s like, “Okay, maybe I don’t have to be the first person to have my ideas heard.” And so yeah, I think I align with you maybe more on I could, but I try to make space. 

Allison:

Yes. So I think to answer your question, Ren and I described how that might look. It’s knowing yourself first, knowing yourself, and being observant of the people around you as well. Maybe you might notice that Sam rarely chimes in, right? If you were a manager, sometimes you can ask, too, like, “Hey, Sam, did you have anything else to add?” And Sam might very well say no to that, but at least you gave the space for it. So that’s what it means, is identifying what your tendencies are, making space for people as needed. And if you’re someone who’s a little bit hesitant to chime in, maybe you take a step forward and have some courage, and you do take up some space.

Ren:

Yeah, yeah. Thank you. Exactly. And I think that’s a really good tool. If you’re ever in a forum, let’s say one of the ground rules, the standard procedures of your organization is that there will be lunch and learns or listening sessions where you’ll be able to sit in a room with your colleagues.

And that’s a great place to take space, to make space, is what can you do to create more space for people? And then if you’re ever … I always joke with leaders in the room. If I ask a question and you’re feeling those butterflies in your stomach like, “I don’t know, should I talk? I’ve got the answer, but I don’t want to.” I’m like, “Yes, that means yes. You. You. You there.”

Allison:

Yes.

Ren:

Say what you have to say. And so yeah, I think that could be a really useful tool in some of these areas as we engage in this conversation. Is there any other way to take space, make space if you’re not already in a listening session, or you’re not already in that forum where we’re sitting in a circle talking to one another, other ways we can apply it? I don’t know. I’m kind of thinking about that myself.

Allison:

Yeah. Well, I think for the sake of what you and I are talking about for these more difficult conversations, I mean, it’s one thing to be in a meeting where somebody is asking about, “Should we put anything else on this PowerPoint,” a little bit easier to navigate type of things.

When it comes to those more difficult or challenging conversations … again, I think it will always start with self-awareness. And you have to want to understand the other person. And you, as that person, you also have to want to be understood.

Ren:

Oh, that’s interesting.

Allison:

And so I think in these more “difficult conversations,” what that can mean, and this can be very challenging, and I will speak for myself that it is for me, too. But what that can mean is listening to understand, removing judgment and the filter of your own values. And that I feel like we could talk about for 6 hours. That is very challenging.

Do I want to understand you? Am I in this conversation in which we very strongly disagree? Do I want to understand you? Because if I don’t, then why am I in this conversation? That’s what I would ask myself, right? I actually would want to answer that. Why am I entering this conversation, then? Because if I’m trying to be right, that’s not going to be an effective conversation, likely. But if I am seeking to understand you and I want to be understood, then we got something to talk about. But it’s hard. It’s hard.

Ren:

Yeah. Yeah. I think a couple of things. One is the awareness of yourself, kudos, but then not being triggered by the values conflict is, like, nirvana. That’s the goal of all the mystics, is how do I not be offended by the things that offend me? And so I think it is interesting. Yeah. Does that make you feel —

Allison:

No, no, no. Finish. Please finish.

Ren:

Yeah. And maybe that’s where we’re starting to get here, because as you’re talking, I’m going, okay, really what we’re talking about is emotional intelligence, which is having an awareness of your own emotional response to things and regulating it, having an awareness of others’ emotional response to thing, and helping to regulate the environment. And that’s sort of what you’re doing as a leader in these spaces is, if your company, fine, has ground rules that say we never talk about things outside of the work, we only talk about the office here. I mean, good luck. I don’t know if that’s even possible.

But if you’re in an organization where we may discuss these things, either informally or provide formal spaces for it, I think leaning into that creation of that space to liberate ourselves a little bit from “your perspective doesn’t invalidate my perspective.” And that’s not a strong muscle. Maybe that’s what I meant where we started, which is we don’t have the skill built. We don’t have the muscle built up for someone to say something, and them not even tear down my idea, but because I identify with my idea and their idea is different from mine, therefore different from my identity, I kinda like bristle. And then when it comes to our political future or the existence of a lot of that, if we want to have cordial conversations, it becomes even more challenging.

Allison:

It’s so difficult, right? And so I think maybe for a lot of people where the work is, or where the self-investigation, if you will … because yes, it is regulation, but I also think there’s another step to this that maybe we’ll start to dig into here, is that for a lot of people, values guide how they determine right from wrong. And, to your point, if we can expand our perspective and hold other people’s values to also be true, then it’s not as easy to just sit there and blame one another for everything. But it’s just hard, right? It’s hard.

It’s not as easy to say, like, if you and I disagree on whatever it is we disagree upon, if I can hold your values to be true and mine at the same time, that’s like this magical formula where then we can move forward. But it’s really, really hard. And again, I’m not talking about should the font be this or this. I’m talking about some of these life events that happen that dramatically impact people’s values systems and how they live. So again, if I can hold yours to be true at the same time as mine, then what? It opens up partnership. Because those types of conversations need to be a partnership, and it’s easier said than done, for sure.

Ren:

Well, and you joke about the text. So Ryan Gosling did a skit and then a return skit on SNL. And it was about this guy who was mad that Avatar, the movie Avatar, James Cameron’s films, just used Papyrus. That’s the font he used.

Allison:

The font? I didn’t even know that.

Ren:

The font is just Papyrus, yeah. Well, I don’t know if it is. I have not fact-checked it, but Ryan Gosling, the character’s mad, because this billion dollar movie, and he’s like this digital designer. What did he do? He just clicked through and picked Papyrus. And the follow-on was he thought, okay, there was some creation, but all he did for Avatar 2 was bolded it. But it speaks to … You said you weren’t referring to text. And I think what that skit tells me is that, for that guy, the font mattered to him. It mattered him as deeply as anything else may matter to him.

And so I think when we start to talk about values, we get to do, my favorite thing is really start to talk about the identity signs of it all. Not only do I recognize your values are true, mine are true, but none of it’s really true. All of it’s kind of whatever. Now I know what an amorphous, esoteric concept. But if we can say, if can liken our beliefs to that of our preference in fonts, then maybe, yeah, we can engage in partnership because really, what are they?

Now, I guess some people’s beliefs, especially when they might begin to infringe on another person’s beliefs, then we become into this real, real conflict. But again, when I start to think about that, I think about how everyone I talk to has that experience. No matter where they fall on any spectrum, often we agree that we feel conflict when someone’s values encroach on our values.

Allison:

A hundred percent.

Ren:

Yeah. That’s the bridge maybe.

Allison:

Sorry, I got excited.

Ren:

No, please, no. Get in there. I’m saying that might be the bridge as a leader. That is a truth we all share.

Allison:

It is.

Ren:

Can we move forward from there? I don’t know. Is that a start point or is that just an end point? Is that a nothing? I don’t know. What do you think?

Allison:

It’s all of the above. I don’t know.

Ren:

Yeah, exactly. Very true.

Allison:

If we think about your example of this person has a value, it sounds like, for fonts. To me, I’m being mindful because it sounds silly when I say it out loud, and this was an SNL skit, it sounds like. But if this were real, if this were real for you, and this is such a good example too, of the norm around assuming positive intent.

If you, Ren, were getting a little charged about font, and we’re working on a project together, I’m going to assume that it’s meaningful for you. And again, this is a little bit of a … I almost said a smaller example, but maybe it’s not, I don’t know. I’m going to assume that it’s important to you. Versus being like, “What is wrong with that guy? Why in the world does he care so deeply about font? That’s so stupid.” Getting out of my own judgment, right? I’m going to assume positive intent. I don’t know. Maybe you had a really bad day. I have no idea.

But the more you and I can be in partnership together, the better. And I promise most people … Again, it’s easier said than done. I’m not claiming that this is easy. But the more you can do that, the work’s going to be a lot less painful, I promise.

Ren:

Well, it’s like decoupling our experience.

Allison:

Mm-hmm.

Ren:

In that instance, if you were real bent out of shape about Sans Serif, you’re like, “I cannot have any weird shapes on my letters.” And I’m like, “No, we’re doing” —

Allison:

Comic Sans.

Ren:

Yeah, we’re doing Times New Roman. And you’re like, “No, I can’t!” Then I would say, “All right, dude, you do you.” And that’s because your judgment on fonts is no judgment on my humanity. And I guess that it might be oversimplifying it, but I think that’s the essence of what we’re talking about, is that you as my colleague, we might like every single thing. We might share all of the exact same preferences, beliefs, work preferences, you’re my work friend. And then we differ on this one major, major event.

And we both voted in 2 different directions. And we sit here in this space, and I think we recognize this truth that you and I are likely having a lot more similar experiences than any other kind of differing experiences. And I think those are the spaces for us to remind each other about how we might engage, how we might have useful conversation, and how in these management spaces we might remind each other that your experience, whether you’re elated or sad, is not my experience.

And we can have differing experiences, because we have differing experiences about every other thing that we have on our list. Sometimes we’re just really aligned on our preferences. Sometimes we’re not. But our experiences are our own. So you like Comic Sans? I’m not going to get bent out of shape out of that.

Allison:

No, I do not.

Ren:

Yeah, you do.

Allison:

Got to clarify that one.

Ren:

I know you do. It’s going to be on your headstone.

Allison:

Okay.

Ren:

That’s morbid. It’s too dark.

Allison:

We’ll have a good laugh. It’ll be fun.

Ren:

Yeah.

Allison:

Well, I think all of this, again, coming back to the question that you asked right at the beginning, which is what is a leader’s responsibility?

Because again, we’ve all been in meetings where 10 people just cannot get on the same page, whether it’s about the font size or the font color, whatever. It could be that simplified, and you’ve seen people get really charged about that. So leaders do navigate those types of conversations a lot. And so then you up the ante, right? You up the ante.

Whereas one of my friends was telling me that her son, who’s a teenager, refuses to eat any food that’s by a certain brand — I won’t mention it — because that brand contributes to climate change, and it’s just the hill that he will die on. So how do you navigate the conversations when they become that type of topic, right? It is different. It’s different. And some people get a little bit more elevated around certain topics. And so do you make space for it? Do you cut it off? A different girlfriend of mine would say, “I would set it.” She has said, “I would set a norm that we are not going to talk about certain topics.”

But you’ll still feel a certain vibe from your team. So what are your thoughts about that, Ren, of as a leader saying we’re not talking about 1, 2, and 3.

Ren:

I think about first date etiquette or cocktail party etiquette. What’s the number one rule on a first date?

Allison:

I don’t know.

Ren:

About what you should talk about. I bet you do. What do you say in polite —

Allison:

Oh, you probably don’t talk about politics, I’m sure, right?

Ren:

Yeah. You don’t talk about politics, you don’t talk about religion, you don’t talk about the economy. You don’t talk about your personal romantic histories. Right?

Allison:

Dude, I think … I’m sorry to call you, dude, I just really —

Ren:

Please.

Allison:

… made us casual here, but you and I have not, I don’t think, been in the dating world for a long … I think that’s changed.

Ren:

Is it?

Allison:

I think that dating etiquette has changed.

Ren:

Well, maybe, but I mean —

Allison:

I’m pretty sure.

Ren:

I was talking to a colleague of ours the other day and we were just talking about … Maybe in the workspace it’s one of those things where … for the most part, at least generationally … gosh, maybe, I don’t know if it’s new. If you’re a Gen Z or younger, what’s the younger one? There’s 2 of them. Gen Alpha?

Allison:

Alpha.

Ren:

Yeah, if you’re Alpha or Z out there, @ Allison and tell her what you think, if you guys talk about politics, religion, economics, or your romantic histories. Because I feel like that’s kind of etiquette where you don’t cross those bridges because … I don’t know, I guess you’re trying to present a facade or not trying to scare someone off.

And so I wonder, is that etiquette appropriate for the workspace, and are they the same environment? This is what I mean, though. We’re so unskilled at having these conversations. There used to be a time in America where we would revel. This used to be just … you and I could debate about football and we could debate around our senatorial race, and then we could high-5 each other and we can go get lunch. And it is like there’s certain things where, I don’t know, culturally maybe we’re so … And I think it goes back to what we’re identified with, where we’re so identified with these meta concepts that talking about “it” is talking about “me.”

And so I guess if I knew, maybe this goes back to your “it depends” and answer your friend’s question. If I knew I was in an organization where people were so closely identified with certain ideals, then maybe, yeah, I might suggest it to the people in the organization, if it were small enough. Do you all think there should be a way we operate, when something like this comes up, because of how impassioned we are about our beliefs, we decide to just table that.

Now, I mean, that’s like bottling up a hydrogen bottle or something, where it’s tense, and it might blow up, but so I could see some value in … if you knew everyone enough and everyone agreed that yeah, we can’t have a safe conversation, so we shouldn’t talk about it. Maybe that’s what I would say.

Allison:

Yeah, and I would add to that too, if … Again, it’s so gray. I think if it were me leading a meeting after a major event, and let’s say … I’m making this up, but let’s say there were 5 people in that meeting, or 10 even, and I noticed that person A, person B, and person C looked a little down, I would check in with them privately after. And it’s not because I think I can solve anything, because I probably cannot, but it is to offer some emotional awareness of, “Hey, am I reading you correctly? You seemed a little down, or something was off. Is there anything you want to talk about?” And that’s it, right?

And again, I do think it is a leader’s responsibility to offer that space. Always. I mean, not always, no, because sometimes that could get out of hand. Because, back to your earlier point, me, I have a responsibility to regulate myself. I have a responsibility to that. But sometimes things are overwhelming, and sometimes life is overwhelming. So I think it’s okay to check in with people and be like, “Hey, Ren, you seem a little off. Everything good? Do you want to talk about anything?” And you might very well be like, “No, I’m fine.” But you offer the space.

Ren:

Yeah. I think it’s so hard when issues can be so divisive, but if I care about you, and if I can put that forward and use that as my beacon, then I could say … like I would check in with you on any other time. And so I love that idea. I’m in the meeting with you. I noticed your behavior, and I also love this too, from a leadership standpoint, you as a manager or leader or team member be a keen observer of behaviors. We all recognize patterns. If someone’s a little bit down and you can see it, and you’re like, okay, hey, what I mean by down is you weren’t talking as much as you usually do. You’re usually cracking more jokes or you’re smiling more. You’re usually the first one in, even though you’re trying to work on making space, but this time you didn’t say a single thing, you might say, “Hey, are you feeling okay?”

And that’s all you would need to do. And maybe, too, as you think about these tough conversations, people, is how are you feeling? And for someone to just talk about how you’re feeling. Can I hear how you’re feeling, regardless about what it is you’re feeling? If you’re feeling loss, does it matter what your loss is experience, if I deem your loss valuable? It’s like, “Oh, you lost a dear pet. Oh, was it a cat or a dog?” It was a canary. It was like, “Oh, well, birds suck.” No, I’m not going to say that to your face. So it’s like … Yeah, am I thinking it? No, birds are great.

But it’s like, my job is to care that you care. And if we both care that we care … I think you said something important around partnership earlier. It’s that recognition that we’re … I don’t know, though. Sometimes it can be tough, but hopefully you could like … we’re going to be okay, because it’s going to be okay. Right?

Allison:

Well, I think 2 things. It is coming back to what I mentioned earlier, which is removing your own judgment. Which, whether you think it in your head or not, is a different story. But that is one of the best vehicles towards having a difficult conversation with somebody, is I’m going to remove my own judgment and speak for myself.

I will speak for myself, versus saying what you just said degrades all of humanity. I’ll speak for me and say what you just said was hurtful because of whatever.

Ren:

Because I felt degraded.

Allison:

Yeah. If that is, in essence, what you felt, right? So you’re right. We’re not very good at it. And I think one of the reasons, I think, we’re not good at it is because we’re used to being reactive. Another reason is that things are coming at us fast, like you mentioned the echo chamber earlier. So when you said that, and I was sort of wavering a little bit with a response to that, because I don’t know if I’m in an echo chamber. I probably am on social media. I probably am. But the news alerts that I get that are prompted by, I think my iPhone. I think. Actually, I don’t even know. Somebody can tell me how to turn those off.

My iPhone is the one who’s pushing stories to me. And I don’t know. Do you know? I don’t know. Is it pushing the stories that it hears me talk about, which is creepy? I don’t know. So I’m not really sure. But my point is we’re inundated with a lot of information. Most of it’s negative, and it’s overwhelming. And when we’re overwhelmed, for most people, if you’re not regulated, puts your nervous system into a blender, basically, and makes you more reactive. That is psychologically what can happen for a lot of people. So if you’re not aware of how you’re feeling … Let me rephrase that. It’s a good idea to be aware of how you’re feeling before you enter into any sort of dialogue that could be charged.

Ren:

And there’s something about dispelling the charge, and that’s something, language that … guys, it just haunts me as I think about personal relationships and the growth that I need to get into. It’s like, how do I maintain perspective with someone? Well, I typically find that I’m uncharged by their activity, like them reacting about a font size. I don’t care. And that’s what we mean by charge. If I’m closely connected to something, and someone does something that really, really amps me up or bothers me, it lifts my charge. And that’s the secret to, I think, serenity, is trying to reduce your charge, but that’s some of the values stuff we were talking about earlier, really hard to do.

So I think practically, there’s something about the sequential nature of these conversations. How do you get into a room that is a place where you can safely off gas, where no one will judge you for your lesser demons?

To then, with the mind’s eye of preparation for a more regulated conversation … where you and I, Allison, let’s say we clearly disagree on something and we’re mad about it. Great. I would never tell anyone to not be mad or happy or not experience their emotions. Let’s experience our emotions. Let’s not talk in this moment. Let’s experience them. Let’s do whatever catharsis we need to, to get rid of the lizard brain energy, and let the prefrontal cortex articulate how we’re feeling. Which is I think the root of … We talk about SBI and the feedback model. It removes judgment. It’s supposed to be … It’s nonjudgemental, which is why it’s so impactful.

And so I think you expel your charge in a safe environment. Then prepare yourself to have a difficult conversation. Or you know you’re going to disagree, or someone may say something that you’re not going to agree with, but then you’re preparing yourself for it, and you remind yourself maybe of what’s the goal here? And I think you said it earlier, maybe some of the goal is to seek understanding? I don’t know. You’ve got to ask yourself, or each other in a tough conversation, what are we trying to accomplish here? That’s probably a good start point, too.

Allison:

Definitely. And I want to underline knowing why you’re entering the conversation is so important, because a lot of times if we don’t get the response that we want, it can be because we didn’t know what we were trying to get out of the conversation in the first place. So we didn’t aim the conversation in that direction, or we didn’t ask for it.

Sometimes people just want to be heard and understood, and literally that’s it. Some people want to understand your perspective, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes people want an apology, sometimes … Whatever it may be, know why you’re entering into the conversation in the first place. It doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t change your mind or change the direction, because there are 2 people involved. But again, if I’m not willing to understand you, Ren, in a conflict, if I’m not willing, then we’re not in a partnership. We’re not.

Ren:

Yeah. Well then, not to do a doorknob here, with our hand on the door as we’re ready to leave saying something big. It’s like, well, does partnership matter? Generally, in humanity, and then I guess in the workspace, right? Because your premise only works if I care about partnering with you.

Allison:

Not necessarily. If you and I have to work together —

Ren:

No?

Allison:

I see what you’re saying, and I agree with you. I’m just adding to it. If you and I have to work together on every single client team, all of them — this is hypothetical — then I’m doing myself a disservice to not try to understand you. Because I will be miserable. Not you. I will.

Ren:

Right. What a great reminder.

Allison:

Again, there’s a spectrum, though. It depends. You have to be able to identify what’s most important to you. I don’t want to be miserable at work. I don’t. There are going to be people I don’t get along with. That’s just the reality. And you too, and to all of our listeners.

But it is to what extent does it matter to you, and to what extent do you want to understand that other person? Because we actually do have to partner to get work done. We actually do. I’m not saying partner in a personal relationship necessarily, but some people do make good friends at work, regardless. I think, again, it’s gray.

Ren:

Yeah, yeah. Some of what you were talking about reminds me of … we’re often just in our own experiences, maybe a little less worried about someone else’s … We think people are really concerned about us, and people are concerned about, I think, themselves … in the best way. I mean, there’s a lot going on for everyone.

And I think trying to make space, or that collaboration to recognize that there’s a lot going on for all of us, might be one of those things that we can do to start to build up the muscle. And maybe like you said, not only know where the conversation is going, but determine what success would look like here. How long can we go before someone makes a strict statement, before we don’t do open-ended questions? And maybe some formatting or some kind of alignment around process could be really useful.

Allison:

Definitely. I think there are … I’m looking at the time, because I feel like we could keep going easily for a while, but maybe we can do a part 2 or something. But I think there are a couple really key steps that leaders can take away. Or just humans at work, regardless of your position. Even though at CCL we say that leadership is not necessarily a given position.

So if you are at work and you’re leading any sort of team, or you’re leading a meeting, you’re leading a project, it’s a really good idea, regardless of what’s going on in the world, it’s a really good idea to set norms on how you’re going to work together. That’s a really good idea.

I would say another key step is for you as an individual to identify when you are about to be dysregulated, and perhaps wait on having a conversation if you are feeling “dysregulated.” I’m going to name one more, and then I’ll see if you have anything to add, Ren.

Another thing that we talked about was what we would call, at CCL, listening to understand, which is a layer deeper than active listening. Listening to understand really means removing my own judgment in service of truly understanding your perspective, not listening to prove my own values or prove my own point. It truly is listening to understand you, and what you value, and what you’re feeling and experiencing. Anything else you might add for people to take away?

Ren:

I think I’ll just double click on that activity. So part of the listening understand we do is identifying not only the facts of the issue, but what are the values? What is someone feeling? And so maybe when you engage in something, especially something you know you disagree with, can you seek some understanding? Then actively work to identify what they’re feeling and their values that they might be having. And then, step 2, map those to your own feelings and values.

And I would bet, more often than not in most conflict situations, a lot of quick work could lead you to the fact that, wow, we are mirroring each other right now. Our values might be different, but our feelings are nearly at the same space, and it’s because of what, right? Then we get to identify what the “because of what” is, and start to remind ourselves of all the things that we have in common. At least, in the very least, we have in common the mechanism upon which we’re being wounded.

And so I think we can humanize each other once we realize that we’re value-based people, and a lot of us share almost a lot of the same values, if not in word, in sentiment.

Allison:

I like what you said there about humanizing one another, and maybe I can wrap us up after that, because I kind of want to keep going, but I won’t.

Ren:

Yeah, no, for sure.

Allison:

I like what you said about humanizing, because I think what can happen oftentimes is that we cut people off because we don’t want to have —

Ren:

Wait, what? I’m just kidding.

Allison:

I mean, from being in any sort of relationship, not even just in dialogue. It’s like, no, this is over. This is done. I’m not going to talk to you about this. So there’s a time and a place to do that, too. I know someone will argue me on that, but for the most part, we get uncomfortable instead, and then we exit the conversation and hightail it out of there, and that’s that.

And then we assign meaning or judgment to the other person. While Ren and I had this conversation, it was icky, I got out of it, and Ren now is … whatever I decide that he is. Ren is a jerk. Ren is this, Ren is that, when it was one conversation. And Ren, I like what you said about humanizing other people as well, and humanizing the conversation and remembering that we are 2 human beings versus something to unload all of our blame onto.

And so perhaps we can leave it at that for now and, I don’t know, maybe do a part 2. I can see you thinking.

Ren:

Yeah, I like that. No, that’s a good one. That’s good. Good mic drop. Let’s not find people to shovel our blame onto, and I think the word of the day might be partnership. Tough conversations are a little bit easier in partnership, so thanks for partnering, Allison.

Allison:

Indeed. Yes, thanks. Thanks, Ren. As always a great conversation. And if you are listening, please find us on LinkedIn. We’re also on Instagram. Let us know what thought of this conversation. Let us know what you think. Let us know what you want us to talk about next.

And to all of our listeners, you can find all of our CCL podcasts and show notes on CCL.org, and to our CCL team who works tirelessly behind the scenes to get our podcasts up and running, we thank you and appreciate you. And Ren, I’ll look forward to chatting next time.

Ren:

Absolutely. Thanks, Allison. Thank you, everybody. See you next time.

Find Allison on TikTok.

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The post Lead With That: Navigating Tough Conversations appeared first on CCL.

Active listening requires you to listen attentively to a speaker, understand what they’re saying, respond and reflect on what’s being said, and retain the information for later. This keeps both the listener and speaker actively engaged in the conversation.

Active listening and reflecting, responding, and giving feedback aren’t always easy. Here are some helpful active listening tips for managers:

• Pay close attention to the speaker’s behavior and body language to gain a better understanding of their message.
• Signal that you’re following along with visual cues like nodding and eye contact; ask clarifying questions to ensure your understanding.
• Avoid potential interruptions — from technology (e.g., phone or email notifications) and from humans (e.g., knocks on your door).
• Keep an open mind. Rather than evaluating the message and offering an opinion, simply make the speaker feel heard and validated.
• Confirm you’ve understood what the speaker has said by verifying your understanding.
• Be an attentive listener and have your toolkit of active listening techniques at the ready for whenever coaching conversations occur.

At CCL, we help leaders go beyond basic active listening skills so that they’re better equipped to truly listen to understand others — including the facts, feelings, and values that may be hidden behind the words actually being shared. At the organizational level, training people how to listen more effectively helps provide role models for the next generation of leaders and builds a workplace culture of truth and courage.

6 Active Listening Techniques

The Active Listening Skillset

Enhancing your active listening skillset involves more than just hearing someone speak. When you’re putting active listening skills to practice, you should be using these 6 techniques:

1. Pay attention.
2. Withhold judgment.
3. Reflect.
4. Clarify.
5. Summarize.
6. Share.

1. Pay attention.

One goal of active listening and being an effective listener is to set a comfortable tone that gives the speaker an opportunity to think and talk. Allow “wait time” before responding. Don’t cut the person off, finish their sentences, or start formulating your answer before they’ve finished. Pay attention to your body language as well as your frame of mind when engaging in active listening. Be focused on the moment, make eye contact, and operate from a place of respect as the listener.

2. Withhold judgment.

Active listening requires an open mind. As a listener and a leader, be open to new ideas, new perspectives, and new possibilities when practicing active listening. Even when good listeners have strong views, they suspend judgment, hold any criticisms, and avoid interruptions like arguing or selling their point right away. This can be easier if you maintain an open body posture. For example, having your arms resting on the side, rather than crossed across the chest, can signal a greater degree of openness.

3. Reflect and validate.

When you’re the listener, don’t assume that you understand correctly — or that the speaker knows you’ve heard them. Mirror their emotions by periodically paraphrasing key points. Reflecting is an active listening technique that indicates that you and your counterpart are on the same page.

For example, the speaker might tell you, “Emma is so loyal and supportive of her people — they’d walk through fire for her. But no matter how much I push, her team keeps missing deadlines.”

To paraphrase, you could say, “So Emma’s people skills are great, but accountability is a problem.”

If you hear, “I don’t know what else to do!” or “I’m tired of bailing the team out at the last minute,” try helping the other person label their feelings: “Sounds like you’re feeling pretty frustrated and stuck.” This can be a way to make them feel validated.

4. Clarify.

Ask questions about any issue that’s ambiguous or unclear. As the listener, if you have doubt or confusion about what the other person has said, say something like, “Let me see if I’m understanding. Are you talking about …?” or “Wait a minute. I didn’t follow you.” Asking for clarification shows you are paying attention.

Open-ended, clarifying, and probing questions are important active listening tools that encourage the speaker to do the work of self-reflection and problem solving, rather than justifying or defending a position, or trying to guess the “right answer.”

Examples include: “What do you think about …?” or “Tell me about …?” and “Will you further explain / describe …?”

When engaging in active listening, the emphasis is on asking, rather than telling. It assumes the other person has valuable input, and maintains a spirit of collaboration.

You might say: “What are some of the specific things you’ve tried?” or “Have you asked the team what their main concerns are?” or “Does Emma agree that there are performance problems?” and “What’s going on? Is there any other information that might be helpful to find out?”

5. Summarize.

Restating key themes as the conversation proceeds confirms and solidifies your grasp of the other person’s point of view. It also helps both parties to be clear on mutual responsibilities and next steps. Briefly summarize what you’ve understood while practicing active listening, and ask the other person to do the same.

Giving a brief restatement of core themes raised by the speaker might sound like: “Let me summarize to check my understanding. Emma was promoted to manager, and her team loves her. But you don’t believe she holds them accountable, so mistakes are accepted and keep happening. You’ve tried everything you can think of, and there’s no apparent impact. Did I get that right?”

Restating key themes helps with understanding and accountability.

6. Share.

Active listening is first about understanding the other person, then about being understood as the listener. As you gain a clearer understanding of the other person’s perspective, you can begin to introduce your own ideas, feelings, and suggestions. People are more receptive to new ideas and suggestions when they feel understood.

Once the situation has been talked through, both you and the other person have a good picture of where things stand. From this point, the conversation can shift into problem-solving: What assumptions are we making? What hasn’t been tried? What don’t we know? What new approaches could be taken?

As the listener-coach, continue to query, guide, and offer, but don’t dictate a solution. Your “coachee” will feel more confident and eager if they think through the options and own the solution.

Used in combination, these 6 active listening techniques are the keys in holding a coaching conversation.

Active Listening Skills Aren’t Enough: Actions Matter Too

The Connection Between Leader Listening, Taking Action & Employee Voice

If you’re a leader of others, you should know that while active listening is very important, just listening alone is not enough to ensure that others feel heard.

Employees speak up because they want to make a positive difference in their organizations. But what their leaders do with the information employees share really matters.

Our research has found that employee perception of being listened to is 2x greater among those whose leader listened, and then took an action, than among those who shared with a leader who then did nothing. When leaders act on what they heard, this builds trust and greater psychological safety, and their employees are more likely to raise suggestions or share ideas again in the future.

Said another way, if you’re a fairly poor listener but you do take some action on what you hear, your employees may actually feel more listened to than if you were a great listener with strong active listening skills — but then did nothing based on what you heard.

Active listening combined with taking action fosters and encourages employee voice, which is important for organizations because it’s positively related to better decision-making and increased organizational innovation and creativity. Unfortunately, when an employee perceives that there are career, reputation, or relational concerns about speaking up, they tend not to voice their ideas and suggestions, opting to remain silent out of fear, which deprives their teams and organizations of critical information, insights, new ideas, and process improvements.

So, when your direct reports or colleagues share their suggestions or concerns, you should pay attention, of course — but know that your employees still won’t feel that they were listened to if you don’t also take action on what you learned, where appropriate. That’s why we say that active listening, combined with taking action, is an essential part of showing truly compassionate leadership.

So leaders, remember that the last and most important part of your active listening skillset is taking action on what you hear.

The Benefits of Active Listening

Next, it’s important to take a step back and understand why active listening matters.

• It conveys the message that what others have to say is valuable. This is a way to make employees feel reassured and included, helping to build belonging at work, and can signal being interested, open-minded, and supportive, as well as valuing knowledge and expertise.
• It facilitates greater understanding between individuals or teams. Being a strong, attentive listener will encourage your coworkers and direct reports to share more information with you, giving you a better grasp of relevant issues and making you better equipped to take appropriate action.
• It fosters psychological safety. Being a thoughtful listener, asking questions, seeking clarification, and encouraging others to share their perspectives will reinforce your relationships, whether with a direct report, colleague, mentor, spouse, child, or friend, enabling them to feel more comfortable sharing again with you in the future.
• It enables you to provide feedback and coaching others. Active listening is a critical step in coaching people on your team as they work through issues.
• It provides an example of a listening-oriented climate. By consistently demonstrating how to actively listen, and the importance of listening, you help establish a shared expectation of how others should treat another at your organization, establishing a climate of respect.

Once you begin to put the active listening skillset into practice, you’ll notice the positive impact it has in a number of areas, including in leader effectiveness, in personal and professional relationships, and in various social situations.

Assess Your Active Listening Effectiveness

Many people take their listening skills for granted. We often assume it’s obvious that we’re practicing active listening and that others know they’re being heard. But the reality is that research shows most of us vastly overrate our listening skills.

As leaders, we get distracted by technology, are overloaded with information, and often struggle with active listening. We may have difficulty hearing bad news, accepting criticism, and dealing with people’s feelings. Even with the best of intentions, you may be unconsciously sending signals that you aren’t listening at all. This increases the risk of misunderstanding, which can decrease psychological safety and leave others feeling alienated.

You may need to brush up on your active listening techniques if any of the following questions describe you. Do you sometimes:

• Have a hard time concentrating on what’s being said, especially when the person speaking is complaining, rambling, or gossiping?
• Find yourself planning what to say next, rather than thinking about what the speaker is saying?
• Dislike it when someone disagrees or questions your ideas or actions?
• Zone out when the speaker has a negative attitude?
• Give advice too soon and suggest solutions to problems before the other person has fully explained their perspective?
• Tell people not to feel the way they do?
• Talk significantly more than the other person talks?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you’re not alone.

How to Improve Your Active Listening Skills

To boost your active listening skills, try putting these techniques into practice:

• Cultivate your own peace and wellbeing. Listening actively takes intentional effort. It’s easier to actively listen throughout the day if you’re well-rested, fully nourished, and able to focus and be mindful of what’s unfolding in the moment.
• Limit distractions and interruptions. Find a quiet place, silence your phone, and put away any technology so that you can give the other person your full attention.
• Adopt a listening stance. Keeping an open body position sends the message that you are open to what is being said. Face the person speaking, lean in, maintain good eye contact (although this can be culture-dependent), and be as relaxed as possible. This signals that it is a safe space to share.
• Get a sense of what the other person wants from the conversation. Sometimes someone needs counsel, but often listening satisfies other needs. For instance, you can try asking, “Would you like me to be a sounding board, do you want advice, or do you want a collaborator on problem solving?” Following up with, “And if you aren’t sure what you need, I can just listen and we’ll figure it out together” is also helpful.
• Pay attention to what’s being said, not what you want to say. It’s natural to try and anticipate when you can join the conversation. But try to contain this urge by setting a goal of being able to repeat the last sentence the other person says. This keeps your attention on each statement.
• Notice nonverbal cues and facial expressions. Take note of the person’s tone of voice and body language for clues as to what they are feeling (but may not be saying).
• Get comfortable with silence. A break in dialogue can give you a chance to collect your thoughts — and allow the other person to do the same. Aim to do 80% of the listening and 20% of the talking.
• Cultivate curiosity. Being curious is a naturally nonjudgmental state of mind. If you assume you will hear something new, you probably will.
• Encourage the other person to offer ideas and solutions before you give yours. Often, people have already thought through potential courses of action.
• Restate key points and ask whether you have full understanding. “Let me see whether you think I understand …” is an easy way to clarify any confusion and shows you are open to being corrected.
• Consider revisiting the topic. You can listen without comment and not agree with complaints. If it’s something you want to pursue, ask the person to write it down along with a possible solution, then schedule another time to discuss.

Build Stronger Active Listening Skills

It’s critical to hone leaders’ active listening skills and build new capabilities that strengthen conversations across the entire organization. Partner with us to ensure that everyone at your organization is able to hold better conversations every day with our suite of conversational skills training.

Become a better listener and communicator, both at work and at home, by practicing your active listening skills. Take our Active Listening Challenge to discover 7 specific active listening techniques to try in your conversations next week. 

Frequently Asked Questions About Active Listening for Leaders

The post What Is Active Listening? appeared first on CCL.

Research shows that listening is the skill most needed in a world marked by new working styles, different working preferences, and the rise of a hybrid workforce. Listening can be challenging due to numerous modes of communication barraging us with information that ceaselessly demand our attention.

On its own, listening is an incredibly powerful act of leadership.

However, we know that good listening behaviors alone are not sufficient to make employees feel listened to – it’s not just how well you listen, but what you do with what you heard. To create space where employees feel safe to speak up, leaders often need to take action on what they’ve learned.

Join us for an active listening webinar as we discuss ways to go beyond just listening to create a space that fosters employee voice.

What You’ll Learn

In this active listening webinar, you’ll learn:

• How to improve active listening skills
• Ways to assess your active listening effectiveness
• How action influences employee ratings of leader listening

The post Why Action Can Be a Critical Part of Active Listening appeared first on CCL.

When faced with seemingly insurmountable challenges, we count on good leaders to take actions that pave a way forward for us all.

But better leaders know that success is about more than just their own personal competencies. Leadership is a social process, and to create shared direction, alignment, and commitment — the outcomes of leadership — they need a team of people who are able to function at their best.

At the core of leading others well? Compassionate leadership.

Compassion is at the heart of relationship-building, says Karissa McKenna, who is responsible for 3 of our core leadership programs, including our flagship Leadership Development Program (LDP)®.

At its broadest, compassion is an awareness of a person’s condition, coupled with genuine concern for that person and a willingness to take action to help. It’s about having the courage to walk alongside someone as they navigate a difficult time, a complex situation, or a persistent problem.

Truly compassionate leaders don’t merely lend a sympathetic ear or show empathy for everyone, and their goal isn’t just to solve the problems of their direct reports or take pain away from them.

Instead, compassionate leaders move beyond empathetic concern to take productive actions — supporting team members as they work through challenges and looking for systemic ways to reduce friction, making it easier for good people to do great work.

In short, compassionate leadership is about being willing to apply your influence and power to help create a more even playing field for others.

Why Is Compassionate Leadership Important?

Compassionate leaders are more effective leaders, because they’re able to strengthen trust on their teams and increase organizational collaboration, while decreasing turnover rates, research shows.

The ever-changing context of today’s workplace is challenging. Both internal and external forces are constantly shifting — on our teams, in our industries, and even in our personal lives. All of these forces can come into play, which is why you have to have compassion — both for yourself and for your team. As leaders demonstrate compassion toward themselves and others, they expand their entire team’s capacity to handle future challenges.

Compassion is one of the most powerful acts of leadership available to us, and it often shows up in the smallest of ways. “We see it in those moment-by-moment acknowledgements of what’s hard, what hurts, what is joyous, exciting, or disappointing,” McKenna says.

Most importantly, compassionate leaders acknowledge that their colleagues are more than any specific trauma they’ve endured or challenge they may be facing. In other words, they recognize that someone may be dealing with a particular hardship, but also that they have unique strengths. Compassionate leaders are able to see and acknowledge the whole person in context and seek to grow that person (not just solve their problems). In doing so, they uncover hidden talents and find new ways to leverage the skills and contributions of others.

Ultimately, compassionate leadership changes an entire organization’s culture, yielding greater cooperation and grace for all. Employees trust their leaders and each other, giving others the benefit of the doubt. As a result, senior leaders feel more comfortable taking bold, courageous actions. And when their people feel heard and sense that their perspectives and experiences are valued, they’re better able to support those bold actions, which benefits the entire enterprise.

Compassion Is Different From Empathy

Compassion Vs. Empathy, Explained

It’s important to note that compassionate leadership is more than just feeling empathy for everyone.

What’s the difference between compassion vs. empathy? Compassion is a lot like empathy, in that both attempt to understand how another person feels. And empathy in the workplace is certainly good to have. But simply feeling what someone else is feeling can be painful, and not very productive.

That’s because research has found that when we witness the pain and suffering of someone else, networks in our brains are activated which trigger and amplify similar negative emotions, making us more likely to experience emotional burnout.

For example, imagine an emergency room physician who feels overwhelming empathy toward their ER trauma patients. The doctor is then both less able to fulfill a unique and important role — providing expert help in a moment of need — and more likely to experience personal burnout. “What the physician needs isn’t empathy, but compassion — the ability to recognize the suffering and care for the person, quite literally in this case!” McKenna says.

In contrast to empathy, compassion has been found to involve a different set of neural networks and increases positive feelings, resilience, and the ability to overcome distress in challenging situations. In other words, compassion increases our likelihood of behaviors that take action to help others, whereas empathy alone does not.

“If you sit with another person’s emotions and ‘get stuck in their suffering’ without doing something about it, it can lead to burnout and broader organizational problems — both for you and your direct reports,” McKenna says. That’s why in chaotic times, when managers feel they can barely handle their own emotions, much less those of their direct reports, leaders should focus on compassion vs. empathy.

Behaviors of Compassionate Leaders

How to Show Compassionate Leadership: 4 Steps

During everyday interactions, leaders have many opportunities to incorporate compassionate leadership behaviors. Read on to learn how to recognize these opportunities and use them to make a difference on your team and in your organization’s culture.

1. Start with self-compassion.

Don’t overlook the power of showing compassion to yourself. Before you can extend compassion to others, make sure you’ve done the same for yourself. Research has found that leaders perform better when they show self-compassion, and it’s actually more predictive of goal attainment than self-confidence, according to one study.

“At least a third of the leaders we’ve seen in our leadership programs profoundly need more compassion for themselves,” McKenna says. “They’ve gone through a lot and they’re beating themselves up about their missteps. But imperfections are something to notice and care for.“

The key, McKenna says, is the ability to tease apart the small truths in what you’re telling yourself from “the big lie.” Perhaps you’re upset that your presentation didn’t go as planned; That didn’t go as well as I hoped is true. But I’ve lost all credibility with senior management likely isn’t.

“The small truth is almost always something you can deal with, learn from, and grow through. But the big lie can be paralyzing and costs a tremendous amount of energy.” Leaders who focus on the big lies instead of the small truths are too hard on themselves. By not showing themselves compassion for their mistakes, they miss a chance to learn from their experiences and try again.

• TIP: The way you talk to yourself really matters. Whether you’re speaking out loud, thinking in your head, or just jotting things down in a journal, harness the power of positive self-talk to improve your mental health and your leadership effectiveness. One trick is to talk to yourself in the second person (use “you,” not “I”). When you make that shift, you’ll probably automatically speak to yourself the way you might speak to a valued friend. (You’ll be honest, but kinder).

Another thing we see with our participants are struggles with work/life balance and resilience in handling stress, uncertainty, and setbacks. We remind them that taking time out for self-care and rest isn’t weakness. Recharging is important, because when we create space to notice and care for our imperfect selves, we also increase our ability to do that for others. Becoming a more holistic leader will enable you to be a more resilient, effective, and compassionate leader too.

• TIP: You must make time for wellness to reach your full potential. And it’s good to model taking time for yourself for others on your team, as it underscores that you and your organization understand the importance of wellbeing and leadership.

2. Prioritize psychological safety.

You can lay the groundwork for compassionate leadership by helping to create a culture that invites people to bring their full, authentic selves to work. “Anytime you have a group or team trying to accomplish something together, each person brings a whole life’s worth of experiences and perspectives, strengths and weaknesses, which can be tapped,” says McKenna.

When there’s psychological safety at work, employees feel comfortable speaking up, asking questions, sharing concerns, and respectfully disagreeing. When individuals feel able to share missteps without fear of retribution and energized instead of stifled by their differences, increased openness to diversity of thought leads to more risk-taking and greater innovation and collaboration. You get a multiplier effect, and the entire team benefits.

• TIP: As you learn from your own failures or disappointments, freely share those lessons with your team. This demonstrates self-compassion, shows that you value learning from mistakes, and challenges your direct reports to see mistakes as an opportunity for growth. You also create an environment where people know that honesty and candor are appreciated. And don’t forget to acknowledge successes and celebrate wins.

Leader attitudes and behaviors have a major impact on how psychologically safe their teams feel. Politeness and kindness really matter, not only to the person directly involved, but to the whole climate of the team and their direct reports too. Research shows that supervisor incivility has a negative impact on psychological safety 2 levels down in the organization. And more than half of first-time leaders (52%) in a large global CCL study said that it was not safe to make mistakes or take risks, suggesting that a lack of psychological safety is a barrier holding these emerging leaders back from making bigger contributions at their organizations by stepping up to larger leadership roles.

• TIP: Hopefully it goes without saying, but show kindness in the workplace!

3. Expand your understanding of others.

A curious mindset is fundamental to compassionate leadership. First, leaders must notice the challenges colleagues and direct reports are facing, and then they can ask questions to learn more and expand their scope of understanding.

“We cannot show compassion to another person unless we have truly listened to that person,” McKenna notes. Leaders don’t need to have all the answers, but when they use the practice of active listening, it conveys that they care. It’s important to listen for understanding, of both the facts and the feelings and values behind the facts, to learn more about where your people are coming from and what matters to them.

When you listen with curiosity, within an environment that is psychologically safe, it opens the door to another powerful tool — asking open-ended questions that convey caring and connection. Asking the right questions shows that leaders value others’ perspectives and can provide insight into why everyone on the team may not be aligned and committed — and what’s holding them back from moving together in a shared direction.

• TIP: Something as simple as noticing how someone is doing, asking them about it, and then listening for facts, feelings, and values in their answer can be a powerful leadership practice. Even saying something like, I see you’re overwhelmed and I wonder how I can help can really demonstrate compassionate leadership. Show kindness when colleagues disclose worries, hardships, or setbacks, but don’t immediately try to fix things or solve their problems. Ask good questions that help people view dilemmas from a different angle. Use the information you gain to help influence what you do next.

4. Take meaningful action.

Compassionate leadership isn’t merely providing a sympathetic ear. Simply having empathy for everyone without taking any meaningful action can actually be detrimental, both to individuals and the organization as a whole. Even if managers are great listeners when their employees speak up about something, they won’t feel truly listened to if their leaders don’t then act on what they heard, our researchers have found. This is because when employees share a concern, they’re doing so with the hope it will lead to positive organizational change; and if that doesn’t happen, they don’t feel heard and are then less likely to speak up in the future.

Compassionate leaders aren’t passive and do not accept excuses. When leaders hold their people accountable, they demonstrate that they trust them to follow through on their commitments. “We also don’t want the rest of the team to absorb all the problems when one team member isn’t accountable,” says McKenna.

Instead of stepping in to solve another person’s problems, leaders can use their power and influence to provide direction and structure. As a result, empowered employees have the tools they need to work through challenges and emerge as stronger problem-solvers.

• TIP: After you’ve listened, ask how you can support in resolving the issue. Work toward a mutual understanding of what the other person needs, how they might be able to address their needs themselves, and any additional resources that could be helpful. Also, listen closely for what you as a leader could do to support the other person as they work through the problem, or whether there are ways you could help to remove obstacles in their way that might be creating needless friction. Are there ways you could use the power of your leadership role to make your team or organization more inclusive or equitable by helping to remove the roadblocks others face?

Compassionate Leaders Are Better Leaders

Compassionate leaders move beyond empathetic concern to take productive actions. If they don’t, organizations will never be as strong or productive as they could be.

At CCL, we believe in helping leaders and organizations cultivate cultures that truly support everyone — ensuring people are better than just okay. We’ve created a downloadable collection of leadership resources on compassion, wellbeing, and belonging with actionable tips gleaned from our research.

The ever-changing context of today’s workplace is challenging. Both internal and external forces are constantly shifting — on our teams, in our industries, and even in our personal lives. All of these forces can come into play, which is why you have to have compassion — both for yourself and for your team. Compassionate leadership is also a key element of fostering belonging at work, which influences job satisfaction and performance.

When managers are compassionate leaders towards both themselves and others, they become more effective — as individuals, on their teams, within their organizations, and even impacting their entire communities. Compassionate leaders come to work as whole people, and work alongside others, enabling them to be whole people too, to create shared value for the collective.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

Take a meaningful step toward increasing compassionate leadership in your workplace by starting a conversation with colleagues on your team or at your organization. Download Our Compassionate Leadership Conversation Starter Guide now.

The post Better Culture Starts With Compassionate Leadership appeared first on CCL.

Charitable giving soared to a record-breaking $471 billion in 2020, according to Giving USA. Following this spike, many predicted philanthropic activity would return to pre-pandemic levels in 2021, yet charitable giving remained heightened in 2022, though donor retention and dollars given are on the decline in 2023.

For nonprofit executives and fundraising professionals, this shifting landscape offers both opportunity and challenge. The polarities of increased interest in philanthropy, combined with evolving donor values and pressures on internal nonprofit resources, has left many of us wondering where best to focus our time and energy.

Yes, Fundraisers Are Leaders

Before we continue, it is important to note that as a fundraising professional, you are a leader.

You have chosen a career dedicated to raising money to further a mission or cause. You do a job that many people profess to dread because you care deeply about bringing people together to solve critical social issues.

And while this work brings you into contact with many community leaders and donors, that does not preclude your own leadership. In fact, it requires it.

At CCL, our research has consistently revealed that leadership is both a lever for increasing community impact and a framework for navigating emerging environments. In this article, we will explore how the core leadership skills of communication, influence, learning agility, and self-awareness can help those in nonprofit fundraising leadership roles create greater impact.

Fundraising Leadership Success Starts With 4 Skills

1. Communication: Listen Well.

No doubt you have read more than one fundraising guide that urges you to listen. It’s one of the top skills fundraisers depend on to help align donor goals with the nonprofit mission. Our own research shows that when leaders use active listening skills, we establish trust, demonstrate empathy, and help create psychological safety. But how do you know what to listen for?

Focus your listening by looking for facts, feelings, and values:

• Facts are what people say – things you can validate or prove. When we listen for facts, we understand what subjects matter to our donor.
• Feelings are the how of the conversation. What nonverbal cues are you picking up? These tell you how those subjects made someone feel or what sentiments they invoked.
• Values are the why. Why is this topic important to this donor? What does it mean to them and how does it impact how they show up in the world and in their philanthropy?

When fundraising leaders listen for all 3 elements of the conversation, we are better prepared to understand our donors and meet their needs. We gain not only insight into their philanthropy, but also additional opportunities to show that we value them and their philanthropic goals.

TIP: At your next meeting, write FACTS, FEELINGS, and VALUES at the top of your notes. As you listen to the other person speaking, pay attention for each, and record important points in the conversation, drawing arrows back to each word at the top to make connections. What do you notice matters most to this donor?

2. Influence: Honor Differences.

Fundraising leaders may wrestle with the idea of influence. We know we need to leverage it to build resources for our mission, but discussing tactics to influence others may make us feel uncomfortable. Instead, focus on how and what donors want to keep their needs at the center.

Like communication, influence is less about you, and more about the other person. Everyone has preferred ways to receive information, so when you use the right method for the person, you honor those differences and celebrate unique perspectives. At CCL, we call this using the head, heart, or hands to influence:

• Head: Logical arguments appeal to people who are moved by facts, figures, and intellectual discourse.
• Heart: Emotional appeals and stories that illustrate your mission inspire people who lead with values.
• Hands: Collaborate with these individuals, either through conversation or active volunteerism, and help them get involved directly.

So, to succeed in a nonprofit fundraising leadership role, consider what matters most to your donor: statistics and facts about your programs, or stories of impact? Or perhaps they get the most joy through hands-on volunteer work? Effective influencing is really just understanding what matters most to the listener, so you can honor their preferences.

TIP: Don’t know your donor’s preferred style? Deliberately include examples of all 3 tactics in your next conversation, and watch for where you donor engages most.

3. Learning Agility: Learning from Experience.

Agility is the ability to change course. Being nimble enables us to respond to shifting community needs, a new generation of donors, or an evolving nonprofit mission. Change is inevitable; it’s what you do after it that’s most important.

When we have learning agility, we don’t go from success to success. How often have you heard that fundraisers hear No more than Yes? While we know this rationally, we often forget when faced with rejection. But it is impossible to grow without it.

You can’t learn more, do more, and help more if you keep being successful. It sounds counterintuitive, but we learn more from our failures than our successes. Capturing and applying those learnings is crucial to your fundraising and, in turn, supporting your nonprofit mission.

TIP: Take time at meetings to celebrate not just wins, but also what you learned when you were not successful. It’s only a failure if you don’t learn from it. Celebrate learnings as much as success and use experience to fuel your own leadership development.

4. Self-Awareness: It Starts With You.

So far, our fundamental 4 leadership skills have focused on others — we listen, influence, and learn from our experiences and those around us. And it is in our nature to focus on our clients, donors, and community; that is, after all, why we do what do.

So why is self-awareness also an essential skill for fundraising leader success?

“Be the change you wish to see in the world” is a quote that nonprofit leaders take to heart. Not only is this statement directly applicable to social sector work, but it is also a key to how we relate to the people we seek to inspire.

To effectively persuade others, we must first know ourselves and how we like to communicate, influence, and learn. If you are a person who talks more about facts, you might approach a donor that way. If you are someone who wants to get involved in volunteer work, you might tend to offer those same opportunities. Self-awareness helps you know your natural preferences, so you can better understand and adjust to those of others.

Self-awareness can be the most challenging skill to develop, but it can also serve as a foundation for strengthening all your other leadership skills.

TIP: Ask others what they notice about your communication, learning agility, and influence styles and preferences. Then reflect – how do you see yourself? Work to boost your self-awareness if needed.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

If you’re seeking fundraising leadership training, we’re here to help. As a nonprofit ourselves, we’re guided by purpose and fueled by passion. We can provide leadership training for fundraisers as part of our portfolio of offerings for nonprofit leadership development to equip your executives, staff, and fundraising leadership team with fundamental leadership skills training that helps them unlock their potential and better support and advance your mission.

The post 4 Skills That Increase Nonprofit Fundraising Leadership Impact appeared first on CCL.

And though virtual collaboration isn’t the same as sitting together in person around a conference table, it has its benefits, and it isn’t going away anytime soon. In fact, it’s becoming increasingly clear that compelling and effective virtual communications will remain paramount going forward — for individual leaders, teams, and overall organizational success.

“Today’s leaders at all levels must be able communicate effectively, without a continuous physical presence,” notes Jerry Abrams, who served on our Partnerships & Innovation team and developed much of the content in our leading remote & virtual teams training.

Your audience’s perceptions of your virtual persona matter, he notes, because your virtual persona reflects your priorities and values, and shapes your personal leadership brand, which can help you build relationships, influence others, achieve goals, and sustain partnerships. These are all especially important when you’re geographically separated from your colleagues, leading a hybrid workforce or a fully remote team.

“The way your ideas land on others is shaped by the medium, and no one who strives to be a great virtual communicator can afford to ignore their virtual persona.”

“As a telecommuter myself for almost a decade, my biggest fear — and I suspect I’m not alone — is that I’m losing my audience, that I am not engaging them,” says Abrams. “And let’s face it; in the virtual world, if you lose your audience, you’re done.”

Strengthen Your Virtual Persona With Our Virtual Communications Tips

Just as leaders can work to improve their communication in general, there are a number of simple improvements you can start making today that will have a big impact on your virtual persona.

The result? More effective virtual communications leads to an increased feeling of connectedness between you and your audience.

3 Steps to Ensure Your Virtual Communications Drive Engagement

Our virtual communications tips can help you drive greater engagement with your audiences. Just focus on these 3 steps to improve your virtual persona, in this order:

1. Create immediacy;
2. Increase receptivity; and
3. Build composure.

(Note: Many of the following virtual communication tips presume that you’re able to stand and move freely within a reasonable area in front of your computer, and that it has a functioning camera, microphone, and speaker.) 

1. First, create immediacy with your virtual communications.

Immediacy refers to the presence, attraction, and warmth your audience perceives when you’re engaging in virtual communication. In other words, what is the impact you have on your audience? The following actions will improve your immediacy by demonstrating an intense involvement in the conversation:

• Convey enthusiasm about the topic you’re presenting. If you’re bored, your audience will pick up on that.
• Vary the pitch, volume, and pace of your speaking.
• Be “animated” when presenting to and interacting with the audience.
• Speak with your hands too, using gestures to reinforce your words.
• Be aware of and use facial expressions to reinforce your points.
• Increase your use of present tense verbs and inclusive pronouns like “we” and “our.”
• Look directly at the camera for several seconds at a time when speaking.
• Lean in toward the camera to reduce the sense of “distance” between you and the audience.

2. Increase receptivity to your virtual communications.

Receptivity refers to a mutual sense of interest, openness, and trust. Convey a willingness to really listen to your colleagues in the virtual space, as well as an openness to their ideas and suggestions, through the following actions:

• Smile when interacting with a member of the audience.
• Look directly into the camera when listening and responding to a member of the audience to create the impression that you are “facing” them.
• When appropriate, don’t be afraid to laugh along with others, as it signals receptivity.
• Use nods appropriately to acknowledge others’ feelings and thoughts.
• Be honest and authentic.
• Ensure you’re using active listening techniques and affirming the experiences, problems, and stories of others.

The benefits of a focus on receptivity? You’ll improve your team’s morale while also strengthening your own leadership image, which will ultimately lead to greater success at landing your message and achieving your goals.

3. Build composure for more effective virtual communications.

If you feel calm and relaxed when engaging in virtual communication, your audience will sense your composure. Alternatively, when you’re visibly paying attention to yourself, your appearance, or your own thoughts, your audience will sense your distraction and feel a lack of confidence in your authority. The following behaviors convey to your audience that you feel relaxed, confident, and composed:

• Be aware of your body language. Avoid holding your posture rigid, frequently shifting, or appearing tense.
• Refrain from “nervous” actions like playing with your hair or fidgeting.
• Maximize your speaking fluency by eliminating repetitions and pause-fillers like um, er, ah, etc.
• Speak at an audible, but not extremely loud, level so that your volume doesn’t detract from your message.
• Be appropriately “animated” by tailoring your nonverbal behaviors to reinforce your message and content.

It helps to think of building composure as simply increasing your “stage presence” through rehearsal. After all, there are several parallels between the performing arts and virtual communications — one of them being, the more you practice, the better you’ll get and the more comfortable you’ll feel.

“Several coaches put it this way — amateurs practice until they get it right. Professionals practice until they can’t get it wrong!” adds Abrams.

So if you really want to take your virtual communications to the next level, try recording yourself and then honestly evaluating your performance. Whatever you notice most, start working there to improve.

One additional virtual communication tip to help you build your composure: Before performers go on stage, they’ll often take a moment to close their eyes and visualize an experience that brought forward an emotion they want to project. This trick works in a virtual setting, as well.

“For example, when trying to convey warmth or enthusiasm, take a moment before you start your session to recall a topic, event, or time when you really had a strong feeling of warmth toward others — or felt a strong feeling of enthusiasm for something you were saying or doing,” says Abrams.

“As you visualize the experience, pay attention to all the various feelings and sensations you can recall, including sights, sounds, and smells. These memories help you ground your virtual persona in real experience and add authenticity to your virtual communications.”

That authenticity is key, by the way. We’ve found that creating authentic connections is one of the 3 keys to unlocking the benefits of online learning for leadership development. In our experience, that’s what helps facilitators “reach through the screen” and truly engage participants actively in our virtual leadership programs.

Upskill Virtual Communication Skills for Yourself & Your Team

Start by Assessing Your Own Virtual Communication Effectiveness With Our Quiz

As a leader, you’re responsible not only for your own performance, but also for that of your people — many of whom may also face struggles with virtual communication effectiveness.

As you manage remote or hybrid teams, work to follow best practices for managing virtual teams and meetings and and consider how various online leadership development solutions could benefit your team’s work.

Once you’ve tried our virtual communications tips to strengthen your virtual persona, you may want to get some feedback on how you’re doing, and also take time to reflect yourself.

Use our free Virtual Communication Effectiveness Quiz to assess the effectiveness of your virtual persona’s performance, and continue to develop by following the virtual communication tips and recommended next steps provided.

You may also want to use our easy email template to send a version of this quiz to your colleagues to get their candid feedback on the effectiveness of your virtual communications, too.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

In today’s new world of work, effective virtual communication for leaders is essential. Partner with us to craft a customized learning journey for your team using our research-based modules. Available leadership topics include Authenticity, Communication & Leadership, Emotional Intelligence, Listening to Understand, Psychological Safety & Trust, Self-Awareness, Virtual & Remote Team Leadership, and more.

The post How to Improve Your Virtual Communication: Tips for Leaders appeared first on CCL.